Christmas

I've been editing for weeks. I started at around 500,000 words and am down to less than 250,000. I need to be closer to 100,000. It's easy to decide what to delete, some of it is jibberish. On the other hand, I don't want to lose the obvious distress and mental anguish I was experiencing at the time. It has been difficult to read some of my posts. There was a lot of pain, confusion and sadness. I feel like the same person, just in a completely different state of mind. Some of my experiences as an escort make me shudder and looking back, I wish I had done things differently. I wish I had a full-time job and only saw clients I genuinely liked.

Relationships and I aren't a great mix. I'm trying, I really, truly am but being in a real, committed relationship is difficult. Our sex life has been in the dumps lately. The culprit is stress. But I can't think of a better stress reliever than sex, personally. He doesn't agree. I wonder if there is someone else, if he no longer finds me attractive, if he thinks I'm lousy in bed. I know he is beating off each time he has at least 30 minutes alone in the house. It hurts me and it seems to hurt the relationship, too. I know that in order to sustain a relationship, I need to weather the ups and downs, hang in there until things get better and not take off at the first signs of trouble. Though it's a slow process, I feel like I'm really growing up.

The job still sucks more than I can say. I have the feeling I will soon be laid off for lack of work. It's frustrating that I'm not being given the tools to do my job. I'm interviewing as often as possible and while I make it far into the process, I lose out for one reason or another. It's the shits.

I'm very excited for Christmas this year! It's my first Christmas with Runner and my first Christmas having kids. I did Black Friday and a couple of weekend doorbuster sales and was finished with my Christmas shopping before the first week of December. Everything is wrapped and waiting to go under the tree. I did crafts with the kids and made photo cards, which went out last week. Even though they are probably too old, the kids sat on Santa's lap down at the mall. They humored us and told Santa what they wanted for Christmas. I love it!